I am still alive.
My laptop is fucked. There's no way of fixing it. Why does each year of my life progressively get worse?
This week has been awful. My laptop broke, so now I've had to revert back to using a relic of a Windows 7 computer which acts as though it's on life support and cannot use a VPN. My mum had a phone call from my aunt on advice for getting me an autism diagnosis (my cousin is also on the spectrum, so she seemed like a realiable source) and she ended up telling my mum "every autistic kid has a trans phase" (which was of course implying that me being transgender is a phase) and that upset and pissed me off considering the fact that I believed she was supportive.
Next monday I'm having to go to the doctor's to explain all the ways that CAMHS has failed me. Then, I have to attend CAMHS after. Ha I'm going to have to pretend that previously in the day I was carrying on normally, not tell my counsellor that I was actually talking shit about her. She deserves it anyway, fucking dumbass bitch.
Now my mum is trying to get me to interact with other teenagers more and I swear to fucking god, if I have to talk to anyone I'm going to end it. Then she moves onto the second worse subject, "are you going to univeristy or about to begin working" NEITHER. I WANT NEITHER. I DON'T WANT TO WORK FOR SOME SHITTY CEO WHO TREATS ME LIKE CRAP AND I DON'T WANT TO WASTE YEARS OF MY LIFE AT A CRAPPY UNIVERSITY STUDYING A SUBJECT I DON'T CARE ABOUT JUST BECAUSE MY PARENTS PUSHED ME INTO DOING SO AT A YOUNG AGE BECAUSE I'M "SO INTELLIGENT IT'D BE A WASTE NOT TO". All I want is to listen to music and be left the fuck alone. Everyone on this shithole planet is scum. I need to escape, leave this place. What do I want t do when I'm older? I'm going to be dead before the age of eightteen.
The world isn't real. Yes, it is, but it isn't for me. I'm floaty. There's a constant static in my ear, all sound feels distorted, being played through a glass. I cannot think, I cannot react to what's happening within my surroundings.
I began having this happen two years ago, but I assumed it was due to starving myself. Then in 2025 it was happening less often, but still occasionally. This year, I've been eating a decent amount and yet it's still happening, at a more frequent rate than it did in 2025. But it's not just that. I've always heard things which weren't there every so often, rare but it still occurred. I keep hearing music which isn't being played. I feel too scared to leave my room.
Previously on "CAMHS are garbage", I shared that my therapist who I've been to about five sessions with continues to misgender me (all whilst using my chosen name), refers to me being transgender as my "sexuality", someone wasn't aware of whether or not I was diagnosed with ASD despite the fact that she had all of my information in regards to mental health and had to tell the person doing my assessment with CAMHS if I was diagnosed, believes I'm a year younger than what I am and is also a pain to talk to because she never seems to actually be listening or remember a thing that I say.
Well, yesterday I had to have another session and she decided to try to refer me to a service specialising in autism in young people, because she believed it may be the source of most of my problems. I was glad and thought it was the only thing she's done which makes sense, as I've been struggling a lot with many things caused by ASD for years.
Well, today she sent my mum an email to get me into this service, but guess what? Rather than including my papers and information, she sent her files for another one of her patients. I have no clue how it could have happened, because the other child was born in 2012 and has a completely different name to mine.
I know people will say "Choose another therapist" but CAMHS is a part of the NHS and my parents have no control over who my therapist is and we can't afford to go private. I'm somewhat regretting seeking help
I have only just found out about bamboo rats today and they're awesome!
"Bamboo rat" is actually just a tribe of four bamboo rat species and belong to the rodent subfamily which also contains African moles. The four bamboo rat species are the Chinese bamboo rat, the hoary bamboo rat, the large bamboo rat and the lesser bamboo rat. They are found in south Asia, south-eastern Asia and east Asia and all species except the lesser bamboo rat are found in China. The smallest species, the lesser bamboo rat, can grow to be 25cm in length, whilst the Sumatra bamboo rat can be 50cm. In short, they are huge and can be bigger or about the same length as a small dog.
As the name may suggest, they eat bamboo and the roots of plants. Some actually live in bamboo thickets and other burrow underground. They're regarded as a pest due to this and can destroy agricultural efforts, but they're also valued as a food source.
Bamboo rat is actually pretty popular as a food source, despite it being technically illegal in Vietnam. There aren't too much regulation and actual enforcement of this rule though, so eating of it continues. From what I've heard, they're very high in protein and taste good, which explains why they're being sold for so much in China. During Covid, there was fear that they may be carriers (although I've found no proof of them actual being so), which resulted in less being sold but people still wanted them, causing people to hand over a lot of money for it.
From what I've seen of bamboo rat farmers, the animals seem to have a better life than that of the chickens, pigs and cows which are farmed in the west. I've also seen how they're prepared for meals and what they are used in, and it seems like one bamboo rat can be used in quite a bit. After using the main meat for one meal, the cook than used the bones for a soup. It doesn't look like the animal is going to waste.
I think for anyone outside of these areas, eating a bamboo rat seems disgusting, but they aren't exactly like the rats which we are familiar with. They are wild and feed off of plant life rather than trash. When it comes to ethics, I think eating a lamb or veal is much worse than this, but maybe the morality of meat-eating is something I should make a separate blog post on.
I hadn't eaten all day and waited for dinner, which was store-bought chicken tortellini. It was awful. The chicken was this weird mush and the actual pasta was bland and flavourless. I was completely unsatisfied and couldn't finish it. Instead, I made a pizza from scratch. I didn't have actual toppings as I didn't plan on having pizza, but I just had cheese and chili peppers. It was actually pretty good!
My house had a new internet broadband installed today. Anyway, the trailer for Christopher Nolan's The Odyssey has been released. I didn't have high expectations for the film before the trailer, as it's an adaptation done by Hollywood and the casting was... interesting (Zendaya as Athena makes absolutely no sense and I can't get my head around why she was chosen), but now that the trailer has been released I can say that my fear of it being bad is skyrocketed. Why are there Viking longboats? It's set in ancient Greece! The armour is also strange. I'm not the type to notice small historical inaccuracies and get upset at them, but it's glaringly obvious within the trailer that little thought is put into the armour.
I'll also say that whilst filming in Sicily is good, I'm baffled as to why they're also going to film in Scotland. A very different landscape to what Homer would have been imagining when writing.
The tone feels off. It feels gritty and dark when it should feel like an adventure. I think this tone would be better suited to The Iliad.
Once again, the casting is baffling. Every big Hollywood production likes to cram in every big name actor, even if it doesn't fit the characters. Zendaya as Athena is what really makes me laugh. I'm not sure if the film will have every Olympian, but if it does then I'm scared what they'll do to Apollo and Artemis. They didn't have to get all these big names, a Nolan film will sell without it. Anyway, the movie will probably suck as an adaptation but may be decent for those who don't care about myth or history.